There are definitely days where I'd like a vacation from my own head. Today is one of those days.
I thought that stepping away from some of the obligations I had become encumbered with would free me up. But even though it did free up my calendar, it hasn't really freed up my mental space. Almost no matter what I do - or choose not to do - seems to elicit some kind of harsh judgment from within. Not all the time, but still all too often. Definitely one mental/emotional muscle that's been overdeveloped over the years. And if it could be right-sized instead of oversized in my life, learn to default to loving myself rather than harshly berating myself, maybe I would be able to recognize a partner who loves and accepts himself, too. (I'm trying to date, but finding myself in the all-too-familiar position of not being interested in those who are interested in me and of being interested in those who turn out to be not interested. And it's growing the judgment muscle.)
Started a practice of writing 3 pages stream of consciousness first thing in the morning earlier this year, and was finding it surprisingly helpful for getting some relief from the harsh critic in my head. Writing - by hand - has always been a particularly useful and therapeutic tool for helping me reflect on my own experience.
But 3 pages a day was taking too much of my morning and hurting my hand. And typing just doesn't have the same effect; maybe because I work at a computer all day in my current job - something I'm questioning the health effects of. Maybe because there are different parts of the mind and body at work. So I cut it down to a page a day. While that fits much better into my morning routine, it doesn't seem to be nearly as helpful. Maybe it's time to work at getting two pages in every morning. A happy medium?
All I know is that it's time to try something. I wouldn't wish this toxic inner critic on my worst enemy (if I had one). It masquerades as a motivator and yet actually serves to overwhelm and immobilize.
And lest you worry that I left Indiana just to find misery, don't forget that I'm writing this on a day when I feel more down than usual. There's always more going on than what our words say. I have a lot to be grateful for and happy about, too. Just tired of being an adult today. It's all about perspective and I just don't have as much of it today as I otherwise do. So, who wants to bring me cookies and milk?
