morning

Good morning! I love you <3 I love you every moment when you feel well and when you feel unwell. Always. and all ways Breathe in from source Breathe out doubt and fear Breathe in peace Breathe out peace Breathe in love Breathe out love. You are where you need to be in this moment. I notice and embrace your longing Let it point you towards the light Grow in love All has been and is being prepared for you Step into the abundance that already is. Shine.

strange math

Here's an equation for 2018: spring = snow + sleet

Mom, Jackie and Aunt Cherry are spending their winter girls' vacation in Cape May as a staycation at Aunt Cherry's house, because we're rolling into another nor'easter here on the first day of spring (in the lead up to actual Easter, ha ha).

I'd be welcome to join them since they're less than 2 miles away, but I want to be able to feed and cuddle with the cats, not be stranded a mile or so away because of snow and high winds. Hoping we all keep our heat and electricity. We did manage to have dinner together tonight at a local diner. (True Jersey girls)

This season in my life also has me trying to work out how being better at being "one" might lead to being better at being "two."

Aunt Cherry gave me a book of questions for Christmas last year. Here's one I'll share with you:

"Are you the type of person with whom you would like to spend the rest of you life?"

The person I am at my core is definitely the type of person I'd like to spend the rest of my life with (for which I'm grateful).

Do I drive myself to distraction sometimes? You bet. But I keep finding my way back, by one route or another ;-)

What type of person do I want to spend the rest of my life with? The type who is kind and curious, gentle and goofy, warm and passionate, open and welcoming.

How would you answer the question?

An die Freude

Be still, agitated spirit, and quiet yourself, well-nourished voice of contempt, critique, judgment and derision. The world needs to sing its ode to joy, inner light bursting forth in molten lava, shining rivers, great trees and tiny, bee-kissed flowers. The world needs us to sing, inner light radiating out from center, crying: Love!

Deep, wide, whole and expansive, loving joy, joyful love heals all broken places, transforms all that is and will be. Places everyone and everything into right relationship, no longer me and you, us and them, but a multifac(et)ed and infinitely gorgeous I: We!

May it be so.

Amen

With gratitude to Friedrich Schiller for his poem, Ludwig von Beethoven for his symphony and Elizabeth Bennett for her skill, care and artistry in creating Triptych (Creation, Love, Music), 2017:

my messy Valentine

the world's turned upside down and tonight i don't feel up to the challenge it presents. i don't feel well - in body or in spirit. no lofty thoughts or words to bring to bear on it. but i wondered if writing to the world might be a kind of help.

I got a beautiful Valentine from my friend Virginia in the mail last week - complete with a hand-colored cat drawing, kind and newsy note and one of those little Valentines we used to share in school. My dad's cousin (who's more like an uncle) sent me a text. And Joaquina wished me Feliz día de San Valentín at work this morning.

I mailed out 3 paper Valentines yesterday - one going to another town in NJ, one to IN, and one to MO.

I'm tired of being interested in someone who's not interested in me - and of not being interested in the one person who seemed to be interested in me. My longest friend is divorcing her husband of almost 12 years because she doesn't want to be married - not because of anything he did. And one of my newest friends is already steady with a boyfriend before her divorce (because of something her husband did) is official. My parents are closing in on 40 years together and while there's certainly love, there's a lot of pain and unhealthiness, too. Love seems so confusing and messy - and life is already confusing and messy. And dating still holds no appeal for me. I'm more concerned about finding a way to better manage my mental health and somehow be a more effective citizen. It seems like those things would be easier somehow if I had someone I enjoyed sharing my life with, but the reality is that I don't have someone and there's no point in waiting around for him to show up before I get to the other parts. The trick is not to fall into the trap of negative thinking: You'll never figure out how to do more than show caring towards people you already know and who are in the "privileged" segment of society you inhabit, and you'll always have bouts of anxiety and depression, so no one will come share your life with you - or at least no one that you're interested in. I don't know who this mean voice is, but it certainly isn't doing me any good.

I get tangled up: Joy is extremely important for bringing light into a world that needs it. Self-care can allow joy to grow and glow. What counts as self-care and what is indulging in my privilege? Can I accept that I have privilege and just take it from there? How do I determine what to do from moment to moment, day to day in order to both actually help others and have a deep sense that I am helping others. Right now I just feel that I am turned inward, small, scared, worried that I'm not doing any good. There's so much need - and there always was, I just wasn't aware of it. And I certainly can't "do it all" (whatever that means), but what amount of effort, struggle is reasonable? Is it even about reasonableness? How do I know what I "should" do when there's so much to be done, and I haven't even done the dishes in my own sink?

Okay. This isn't helping. I'm sorry for bringing you into this. I've got a lot going for me. And there are always going to be people who will judge me harshly for complaining about anything. Being one of those judges myself doesn't seem to help much.

I've made a few phone calls in the last few weeks, sent some postcards, marched on Washington, rallied in Trenton and huddled close to home. I've prayed (though mostly my prayer is just "HELP, Lord!"), and sung and rung and tried to connect people who share common goals.

If tonight I just want someone to hold me and cry with me, that's not such a bad thing is it?

instant karma

Hard to believe it's been almost a year since my last post. Not that I've ever been super attentive to this blog. Anyway, Happy New Year, all!

In so many ways, it seems the world has either gone much more topsy turvy than it had been previously or it's just decided to stop hiding this other side of itself. Not only are there all the all-too-ubiquitous conflicts raging around the globe, but somehow a seemly unstable, inappropriate and otherwise stomach churning man who has never served in public office has been elected president of our country. Have we gotten only what we deserve? Are we that far gone? Or is there hope for us yet?

While my sister sings with a gospel choir in a Unity concert, I will be marching on the nation's capital with thousands of other women. Even though I feel a little foolish doing it, like I'm posing as a community organizer without being the best organizer of even my own life, I feel the need to show up. I hope my showing up is a sign to others that it is important to respect each other, to protect one another from harm, to celebrate both the differences among us as well as what we share, that winning isn't about knocking someone else down but about lifting each other up.

In other news, this past year the little singing together for fun group got un-fun and fell apart, and I stopped going to open mic events. Auditioned for a small a cappella group, got a call back and then was told they really did need someone who could sing in the Alto II range. Try though I did, I just couldn't bring much power to that lower part of my voice.

My cousin is section leader in a Sweet Adelines group and is tempting me to try one of the chapters in my area, but that's a huge commitment, both financially and time-wise. And I still don't want to give up either of my bell choirs or the church choir. She and my sister and I included her mom and tried to include our other cousin in the annual Christmas song this year. Hopefully next year we can pull it off.

Mom and I sang with the little a cappella group again last summer and now she sounds like she wants to try singing baritone with me (baritone in barbershop isn't low, it's kind of all over the place). She just wants to sing the same part with me, and I'm unwilling to be a lead or a bass. I think she should be a bass, really, but she's been singing lead because that's the melody line.

I've been participating in community conversations and interfaith events this past year - more of them than usual - and though my inner critic is back with a vengeance so far it hasn't stopped me. So what if I'm not able to do it up to my own impossible standards? Do it anyway.

And finally - completely unrelated to anything else I've said here - the reason for the title of this post. Last January, I told you about falling for someone who didn't have romantic feelings for me. Well this fall, I met someone online who totally fell hard for me on day one and despite going out 4 or 5 times and being treated like a queen, I had no romantic feelings for him. Had to tell him that he's not the one for me. It sucked. Such a nice guy. Instant karma.

sing from your heart

Was trying to come up with a title for this post and decided to make myself a cup of tea. "Sing from your heart" said the teabag flag, and there it was - the title. Thanks, Yogi tea.

I've been looking for ways to boost my confidence and increase my creative output for a while, but it wasn't until my heart and ego got bruised (again) that my resolve got a little steelier.

Here's the story: Decided to get to know better someone I've known minimally for a while. Found I was interested in him romantically. Surprise! Heard from a mutual friend that he'd had a crush on me. Paired that with how things seemed to be going and became puzzled that despite things going "well" there seemed to be lots of interest but not necessarily romantic interest. Confessed my feelings and learned that the past crush thing and the current interest were the genuine article…and that indeed he does not currently have romantic feelings towards me.

Oh, Universe. You're so funny.

Music, particularly singing, is and has been for as long as I can remember, an anchor for me. It's a thread that weaves mind, body, and spirit together in just the right way AND increases my sense of being connected to God as one of many wonderful creations. What a powerful gift!

The Western, classical choral tradition and singing with school and community choral groups in that style has given me so much over the past few decades. Since I moved back east, though, I’ve felt a shift. I joined a local community choral ensemble, but no longer felt that was where I really wanted to be.

So over the last year or two, I’ve started exploring other musical outlets. You know me; nothing too far out of the usual here. I haven’t joined a punk band, or decided to start a solo career…yet. Subtle change is often just the sort of change I need. It gets me off of whatever stuck place I’ve found myself in and headed in a better direction. And, since this current exploration is really tied very closely with my own sense of self, self-confidence, and overall groundedness, the process is particularly suited to incremental changes. Each one builds on the other.

1

For one thing, I decided to go to 2/3 handbell ringing to 1/3 singing and now ring with 2 choirs and only sing with one. Bell choir #2 is super fun and has the potential to be much more challenging. I upped the challenge from year one to year two by playing D5 E5 in one choir and F5 and G5 in the other. Surprisingly challenging after a long day at work and especially when the church bell choir rings the day before the other bell choir rehearses, plus I had the same person on my right in both choirs.

2

And then I started looking into smaller choral groups that might be doing a cappella music – preferably close enough to get to but far enough to get me out of my usual turf. Late last spring I found a newly formed all-female a cappella group out near the coast. Pretty far, but (long story short) a good fit for me and Mom over the summer. Two hours to visit in the car (an hour each way from my place) each week, a chance for me to explore singing the baritone part in barbershop choral arrangements without all the super intense rehearsals, costumes and – gasp! – make-up, and a chance for Mom to sing with a group for the first time in about 45 years. Plus, we got to perform for some very nice people at a nursing home/assisted living place, so the experience had a good community service component as well.

Depending on what’s going on medically with Mom and Aunt Cherry this summer – they both have surgeries coming up this year – Mom and I may do it again.

3

A couple of times since I moved back east, I’ve also tried to gather a group of people to just sing for fun. The first time we had more people but less consistency and more bad luck. This time there are only 3 of us. And we’re all altos. And one of us is just learning to sing/read vocal harmonies having joined a church choir after years of playing the flute. But, so far we’ve met much more regularly and done more actual singing than the larger group had been able to manage. And we’re going to try putting something together for an open mic early next month.

4

And that brings me to the fourth component of my musical exploration/self-confidence building adventure. I’ve recently joined a local meet-up group and performed at two open mic events. At the first open mic, I wasn’t sure I’d perform anything because I hadn’t had time to prepare anything. But it was held in a church sanctuary and what do most church sanctuaries have? Hymnals! So I spent the next hour or so thumbing through a hymnal and taking in the energy of the space and the group.

I picked out a few potential hymns, asked my friend who was there with me if she’d like to sing with me (No! Thank you), and then asked for the clipboard to put my name down in a slot. It turned out I had the last slot of the evening (9:30pm). Pretty much everyone else was either doing the stringed instrument + vocals thing, but I went ahead up to the piano at 9:30, introduced myself and invited people to sing along and/or come up and play.

Despite being super nervous in the beginning, it was a really positive experience. One guy came up and played his Dobro while I sang and I think at least one person sang along with me from the pews.

I actually didn’t officially join the meet-up group until after that first open mic, but once I did join I went ahead and RSVP’d for the next open mic which was the following Friday. I said I was coming with a plus one, thinking that either or both of my friends I’ve been singing with for fun would join me.

As it turned out, both of them already had other plans and at that point I had lunch plans with my new wish-it-were-more friend who happens to play piano. So I went ahead and asked him if he’d like to try putting something together for it. This was two days before the open mic. He was game, so we put a set together and ended up having a pretty great time. The last song we did was the Beatles’ Hey Jude, and we invited everybody to come up and jam with us. They did. It was very cool.

I learned that I have to get used to keeping my mouth super close to the mic at the bigger venue. (It had been fine at the smaller church venue.) And I need to make sure that I get there earlier so that all the early slots aren’t already filled. I’m just not that much of a late night person anyway and my voice really shows it. Come to think of it, I’d also come to that open mic straight from a counseling session (read: about an hour of talking) at the end of a long day of work. So maybe it was a combination of things :-)

In any case, I still found myself a little feeling down about the no-romantic-feelings-for-me aspect of the time with my friend by the end of the night, so I’m planning on doing the next open mic either with my girlfriends or maybe with some other people from the meet-up. It’ll also be back at the smaller venue, so that should be helpful, too.

There’s a lot of talent in the group, so these open mics are also a great opportunity to hear good, live music. And so, I’ll keep enjoying that aspect of it, sing from my heart and go wherever it takes me.

words, words, words

There are definitely days where I'd like a vacation from my own head. Today is one of those days.

I thought that stepping away from some of the obligations I had become encumbered with would free me up. But even though it did free up my calendar, it hasn't really freed up my mental space. Almost no matter what I do - or choose not to do - seems to elicit some kind of harsh judgment from within. Not all the time, but still all too often. Definitely one mental/emotional muscle that's been overdeveloped over the years. And if it could be right-sized instead of oversized in my life, learn to default to loving myself rather than harshly berating myself, maybe I would be able to recognize a partner who loves and accepts himself, too. (I'm trying to date, but finding myself in the all-too-familiar position of not being interested in those who are interested in me and of being interested in those who turn out to be not interested. And it's growing the judgment muscle.)

Started a practice of writing 3 pages stream of consciousness first thing in the morning earlier this year, and was finding it surprisingly helpful for getting some relief from the harsh critic in my head. Writing - by hand - has always been a particularly useful and therapeutic tool for helping me reflect on my own experience.

But 3 pages a day was taking too much of my morning and hurting my hand. And typing just doesn't have the same effect; maybe because I work at a computer all day in my current job - something I'm questioning the health effects of. Maybe because there are different parts of the mind and body at work. So I cut it down to a page a day. While that fits much better into my morning routine, it doesn't seem to be nearly as helpful. Maybe it's time to work at getting two pages in every morning. A happy medium?

All I know is that it's time to try something. I wouldn't wish this toxic inner critic on my worst enemy (if I had one). It masquerades as a motivator and yet actually serves to overwhelm and immobilize.

And lest you worry that I left Indiana just to find misery, don't forget that I'm writing this on a day when I feel more down than usual. There's always more going on than what our words say. I have a lot to be grateful for and happy about, too. Just tired of being an adult today. It's all about perspective and I just don't have as much of it today as I otherwise do. So, who wants to bring me cookies and milk?