An die Freude

Be still, agitated spirit, and quiet yourself, well-nourished voice of contempt, critique, judgment and derision. The world needs to sing its ode to joy, inner light bursting forth in molten lava, shining rivers, great trees and tiny, bee-kissed flowers. The world needs us to sing, inner light radiating out from center, crying: Love!

Deep, wide, whole and expansive, loving joy, joyful love heals all broken places, transforms all that is and will be. Places everyone and everything into right relationship, no longer me and you, us and them, but a multifac(et)ed and infinitely gorgeous I: We!

May it be so.

Amen

With gratitude to Friedrich Schiller for his poem, Ludwig von Beethoven for his symphony and Elizabeth Bennett for her skill, care and artistry in creating Triptych (Creation, Love, Music), 2017:

my messy Valentine

the world's turned upside down and tonight i don't feel up to the challenge it presents. i don't feel well - in body or in spirit. no lofty thoughts or words to bring to bear on it. but i wondered if writing to the world might be a kind of help.

I got a beautiful Valentine from my friend Virginia in the mail last week - complete with a hand-colored cat drawing, kind and newsy note and one of those little Valentines we used to share in school. My dad's cousin (who's more like an uncle) sent me a text. And Joaquina wished me Feliz día de San Valentín at work this morning.

I mailed out 3 paper Valentines yesterday - one going to another town in NJ, one to IN, and one to MO.

I'm tired of being interested in someone who's not interested in me - and of not being interested in the one person who seemed to be interested in me. My longest friend is divorcing her husband of almost 12 years because she doesn't want to be married - not because of anything he did. And one of my newest friends is already steady with a boyfriend before her divorce (because of something her husband did) is official. My parents are closing in on 40 years together and while there's certainly love, there's a lot of pain and unhealthiness, too. Love seems so confusing and messy - and life is already confusing and messy. And dating still holds no appeal for me. I'm more concerned about finding a way to better manage my mental health and somehow be a more effective citizen. It seems like those things would be easier somehow if I had someone I enjoyed sharing my life with, but the reality is that I don't have someone and there's no point in waiting around for him to show up before I get to the other parts. The trick is not to fall into the trap of negative thinking: You'll never figure out how to do more than show caring towards people you already know and who are in the "privileged" segment of society you inhabit, and you'll always have bouts of anxiety and depression, so no one will come share your life with you - or at least no one that you're interested in. I don't know who this mean voice is, but it certainly isn't doing me any good.

I get tangled up: Joy is extremely important for bringing light into a world that needs it. Self-care can allow joy to grow and glow. What counts as self-care and what is indulging in my privilege? Can I accept that I have privilege and just take it from there? How do I determine what to do from moment to moment, day to day in order to both actually help others and have a deep sense that I am helping others. Right now I just feel that I am turned inward, small, scared, worried that I'm not doing any good. There's so much need - and there always was, I just wasn't aware of it. And I certainly can't "do it all" (whatever that means), but what amount of effort, struggle is reasonable? Is it even about reasonableness? How do I know what I "should" do when there's so much to be done, and I haven't even done the dishes in my own sink?

Okay. This isn't helping. I'm sorry for bringing you into this. I've got a lot going for me. And there are always going to be people who will judge me harshly for complaining about anything. Being one of those judges myself doesn't seem to help much.

I've made a few phone calls in the last few weeks, sent some postcards, marched on Washington, rallied in Trenton and huddled close to home. I've prayed (though mostly my prayer is just "HELP, Lord!"), and sung and rung and tried to connect people who share common goals.

If tonight I just want someone to hold me and cry with me, that's not such a bad thing is it?

instant karma

Hard to believe it's been almost a year since my last post. Not that I've ever been super attentive to this blog. Anyway, Happy New Year, all!

In so many ways, it seems the world has either gone much more topsy turvy than it had been previously or it's just decided to stop hiding this other side of itself. Not only are there all the all-too-ubiquitous conflicts raging around the globe, but somehow a seemly unstable, inappropriate and otherwise stomach churning man who has never served in public office has been elected president of our country. Have we gotten only what we deserve? Are we that far gone? Or is there hope for us yet?

While my sister sings with a gospel choir in a Unity concert, I will be marching on the nation's capital with thousands of other women. Even though I feel a little foolish doing it, like I'm posing as a community organizer without being the best organizer of even my own life, I feel the need to show up. I hope my showing up is a sign to others that it is important to respect each other, to protect one another from harm, to celebrate both the differences among us as well as what we share, that winning isn't about knocking someone else down but about lifting each other up.

In other news, this past year the little singing together for fun group got un-fun and fell apart, and I stopped going to open mic events. Auditioned for a small a cappella group, got a call back and then was told they really did need someone who could sing in the Alto II range. Try though I did, I just couldn't bring much power to that lower part of my voice.

My cousin is section leader in a Sweet Adelines group and is tempting me to try one of the chapters in my area, but that's a huge commitment, both financially and time-wise. And I still don't want to give up either of my bell choirs or the church choir. She and my sister and I included her mom and tried to include our other cousin in the annual Christmas song this year. Hopefully next year we can pull it off.

Mom and I sang with the little a cappella group again last summer and now she sounds like she wants to try singing baritone with me (baritone in barbershop isn't low, it's kind of all over the place). She just wants to sing the same part with me, and I'm unwilling to be a lead or a bass. I think she should be a bass, really, but she's been singing lead because that's the melody line.

I've been participating in community conversations and interfaith events this past year - more of them than usual - and though my inner critic is back with a vengeance so far it hasn't stopped me. So what if I'm not able to do it up to my own impossible standards? Do it anyway.

And finally - completely unrelated to anything else I've said here - the reason for the title of this post. Last January, I told you about falling for someone who didn't have romantic feelings for me. Well this fall, I met someone online who totally fell hard for me on day one and despite going out 4 or 5 times and being treated like a queen, I had no romantic feelings for him. Had to tell him that he's not the one for me. It sucked. Such a nice guy. Instant karma.