the world's turned upside down and tonight i don't feel up to the challenge it presents. i don't feel well - in body or in spirit. no lofty thoughts or words to bring to bear on it. but i wondered if writing to the world might be a kind of help.
I got a beautiful Valentine from my friend Virginia in the mail last week - complete with a hand-colored cat drawing, kind and newsy note and one of those little Valentines we used to share in school. My dad's cousin (who's more like an uncle) sent me a text. And Joaquina wished me Feliz día de San Valentín at work this morning.
I mailed out 3 paper Valentines yesterday - one going to another town in NJ, one to IN, and one to MO.
I'm tired of being interested in someone who's not interested in me - and of not being interested in the one person who seemed to be interested in me. My longest friend is divorcing her husband of almost 12 years because she doesn't want to be married - not because of anything he did. And one of my newest friends is already steady with a boyfriend before her divorce (because of something her husband did) is official. My parents are closing in on 40 years together and while there's certainly love, there's a lot of pain and unhealthiness, too. Love seems so confusing and messy - and life is already confusing and messy. And dating still holds no appeal for me. I'm more concerned about finding a way to better manage my mental health and somehow be a more effective citizen. It seems like those things would be easier somehow if I had someone I enjoyed sharing my life with, but the reality is that I don't have someone and there's no point in waiting around for him to show up before I get to the other parts. The trick is not to fall into the trap of negative thinking: You'll never figure out how to do more than show caring towards people you already know and who are in the "privileged" segment of society you inhabit, and you'll always have bouts of anxiety and depression, so no one will come share your life with you - or at least no one that you're interested in. I don't know who this mean voice is, but it certainly isn't doing me any good.
I get tangled up: Joy is extremely important for bringing light into a world that needs it. Self-care can allow joy to grow and glow. What counts as self-care and what is indulging in my privilege? Can I accept that I have privilege and just take it from there? How do I determine what to do from moment to moment, day to day in order to both actually help others and have a deep sense that I am helping others. Right now I just feel that I am turned inward, small, scared, worried that I'm not doing any good. There's so much need - and there always was, I just wasn't aware of it. And I certainly can't "do it all" (whatever that means), but what amount of effort, struggle is reasonable? Is it even about reasonableness? How do I know what I "should" do when there's so much to be done, and I haven't even done the dishes in my own sink?
Okay. This isn't helping. I'm sorry for bringing you into this. I've got a lot going for me. And there are always going to be people who will judge me harshly for complaining about anything. Being one of those judges myself doesn't seem to help much.
I've made a few phone calls in the last few weeks, sent some postcards, marched on Washington, rallied in Trenton and huddled close to home. I've prayed (though mostly my prayer is just "HELP, Lord!"), and sung and rung and tried to connect people who share common goals.
If tonight I just want someone to hold me and cry with me, that's not such a bad thing is it?
