just a fool (maybe)

Pina - Full Dance Scene - Intersection Duet (HD) (Side note: I wouldn't say this is full, but rather nearly full.), via YouTube

show me

show me
that things can be
different
beautiful
lasting
wonder-full

let your grace
fall on me
growing love
in abundance

show me
that seeds sown in struggle
may bear the sweetest fruit

amen

tides

come and find me by the sea
where, perched upon the edge of possibility,
i dangle
over the precipice of memory
in a place worn smooth by time
made jagged by storms
where nothing changes and
everything has changed
where the fog of longing rolls in
and recedes
rolls in, rolls in
and recedes
endlessly drawing its curves
in the sand of my heart
which, though shifting, longs ever for you

turns

it's always a mystery why sometimes things go one way when they could have easily have gone another, but i am so grateful that my sister walked away from a car accident today. and that there are people there to take care of her and that she was able to reach me and get the word to the family without being bombarded by too many questions, without having someone freak out they way she was already freaking out. there are no words that could ever get at my gratitude. thank you! thank you! thank you, Lord!

words

Someone posted these lyrics by the band, Skillet, recently, and (with the disclaimer that I don't really know much about the band though they were at Uprise Fest last year...) I'd like to share my two cents with the group and invite comment, if there's anyone out there still reading this thing.

It's a break-up song, a you-don't-realize-what-you-had-until-it's-gone song. Or at least that's how I hear it. My particular beef is with what seems to be one of its main themes, which is encapsulated in theses lines:

 "I know I said things that I didn't mean
But you should've known me by now"

"If you believed
When I said
I'd be better off without you
Then you never really knew me at all"

Hey now. I believe that people need to take responsibility for their words (and actions). Yet it seems that, particularly in romance, people (guys?) are very quick to say 'I didn't mean what I said' quickly followed by 'but it's really your fault, because you should have known when I was lying (or misspeaking or whatever).' The subtext is, it's never my fault, even though the story might begin, as the story in this song, "I'm still trying to figure out how to tell you I was wrong."

No. You screwed up. We all do now and again in a variety of ways in varieties of circumstances. We're human. (Rejoice!) Acknowledge it and don't try to pin your mistake on anyone else. Enough said.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/skillet/believe.html

what's been going on

you might wonder what's been going on. that's understandable. i wonder the same thing. frequently. the answer, of course, is that there are many things going on, all at once, in beauty and complexity, mystery and pain.

but what i'll tell you is this: i still firmly believe in love and am still haunted and grieving over love lost.

just when i had been saying to myself that my heartache was entirely of my own making, that the one who in so many ways has been the love of my life wasn't (intentionally or unintentionally) contributing to it anymore, he emailed me. we proceeded to type messages back and forth for about a week.

it's a long story - or would be, if i were to try to share it all - but basically what we've got here (apparently) is two people who are still in love with and longing for each other but who are also both trying to draw healthier boundaries in their individual lives. as it happens, we find ourselves on the wrong side of each other's boundaries: the outside. 

so now the sadness which took root before the relationship even ended and which has been dogging me almost relentlessly since we did break up in october of last year swells and pours forth. sadness which i continue to acknowledge and honor while trying to hold onto the gratitude of having experienced love like i'd never known. the longer the sorrow persists, the harder that becomes, though. i want the longing to end but am unwilling to force it underground, to pretend it is gone when it is not.

and what is my boundary? mainly this: i will not try to be with someone who stands in judgment of me, looking for me to change - in whole or in part - in order to be like them, to assuage their own existential, theological, or other anxiety. love me for being me or else let me go. the man i was with when i lived in the midwest evidently thought that i had "potential" not only to leave the religious path that he had left but to follow the "right" path (his path) with him. (he didn't tell me that until we were breaking up after years of being together.) that relationship was toxic to me and though i learned many things from it, i know now that it was not love as i have longed for and now experienced (briefly). 

my last relationship, on the other hand, opened me up, surprised me, renewed my life. in other words, it showed me love. i will be forever grateful for that. thank you, God. and yet, here is that terrible, ugly similarity between the two experiences: that the man i love (and who loves me) is captive to a fear that serving God in different ways, connecting with God in different ways, means that someone is wrong - or else that the only way to build a strong, long-lasting relationship is to practice religion and follow the Spirit the same way.

"Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit, and there are varieties of services, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who activates all of them in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good." - 1 Corinthians 12:4-7

lost

feeling lost and heavy tonight
hope to be found by morning
light

wisdom

I rely on your constant love;
I will be glad, because you will rescue me.
I will sing to you, O Lord,
because you have been good to me.
~Psalm 13:5-6 (Good News Bible, 1976)

it's unusual, but i actually prefer the translation above to the nrsv translation here. i received a copy of the good news Bible from my sunday school teacher 25 years ago, but the nrsv translation that my parents gave me at my confirmation has walked through more of the dark corridors and rough places in my life. but in this case, the other translation rings truer for me. God has been and continues to be good to me; though my heart suffers, i do not feel abandoned.

dear nana

it's been such a long time, but i still feel you close, hear your giggle, see your smile, smell your applesauce cooking on the stove and the scent of your home. what words of wisdom might you have shared in the face of mom's struggle, of my own heartache? did you carry your own grief deep inside for all those years? is that what gave the cancer the edge it needed to take you from us too soon?

in lots of ways, i feel like i've come so far since i last saw you, that i really am a woman with some measure of wisdom to offer those who might hear it. but there are nights when i wish i could talk with you about what it means to lose someone you love. do you start to wonder, the more time that passes, whether the person you loved existed? at some point, the love we've lost becomes an idea, doesn't it? we keep growing and changing, and maybe our vision of the person we lost changes, but it becomes memory, thought, imagination more than reality, as we and the one we love can no longer walk a path together in the way we once did.

i've loved so deeply that the sting of loss goes on despite all my best efforts to face and accept the waves of grief and anger - at first more frequent, now less so - as they've come, to delve deep inside to discover layers of detail and meaning, to use that awareness of all the nuances of my experience to practice acceptance and compassion. yet pain is not the whole of my experience. i guess i just thought that taking everything head on would somehow remove the sting. you know better than i do. i don't even know if you felt you faced your own crushing losses head on, or whether you tucked them inside, hoping that by hiding them, they might vanish. in this time when we are both so close and so far apart, i want you to know that i will always love you

questions

What can we do? When hearts, opened and then broken by one crossing, cross paths again? When protective boundaries cannot be held, despite our best efforts? When the world is small and we feel even smaller?

heart's journey

As I stood by, a weary mile onward beat my Heart, blinded by its pain. On it moved, driven by a light it could no longer see. Its own light once bright, flickering, dimmed, forlorn. Searching for Love once found and now lost. Surely, Love must be all around us, Heart, said my Mind. I know we saw it here just yesterday. Don't you remember? I do, cried my Heart, I do! Why can't I feel it now? Sit here beside me, Heart, and I will wait with you for God.