what's been going on

you might wonder what's been going on. that's understandable. i wonder the same thing. frequently. the answer, of course, is that there are many things going on, all at once, in beauty and complexity, mystery and pain.

but what i'll tell you is this: i still firmly believe in love and am still haunted and grieving over love lost.

just when i had been saying to myself that my heartache was entirely of my own making, that the one who in so many ways has been the love of my life wasn't (intentionally or unintentionally) contributing to it anymore, he emailed me. we proceeded to type messages back and forth for about a week.

it's a long story - or would be, if i were to try to share it all - but basically what we've got here (apparently) is two people who are still in love with and longing for each other but who are also both trying to draw healthier boundaries in their individual lives. as it happens, we find ourselves on the wrong side of each other's boundaries: the outside. 

so now the sadness which took root before the relationship even ended and which has been dogging me almost relentlessly since we did break up in october of last year swells and pours forth. sadness which i continue to acknowledge and honor while trying to hold onto the gratitude of having experienced love like i'd never known. the longer the sorrow persists, the harder that becomes, though. i want the longing to end but am unwilling to force it underground, to pretend it is gone when it is not.

and what is my boundary? mainly this: i will not try to be with someone who stands in judgment of me, looking for me to change - in whole or in part - in order to be like them, to assuage their own existential, theological, or other anxiety. love me for being me or else let me go. the man i was with when i lived in the midwest evidently thought that i had "potential" not only to leave the religious path that he had left but to follow the "right" path (his path) with him. (he didn't tell me that until we were breaking up after years of being together.) that relationship was toxic to me and though i learned many things from it, i know now that it was not love as i have longed for and now experienced (briefly). 

my last relationship, on the other hand, opened me up, surprised me, renewed my life. in other words, it showed me love. i will be forever grateful for that. thank you, God. and yet, here is that terrible, ugly similarity between the two experiences: that the man i love (and who loves me) is captive to a fear that serving God in different ways, connecting with God in different ways, means that someone is wrong - or else that the only way to build a strong, long-lasting relationship is to practice religion and follow the Spirit the same way.

"Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit, and there are varieties of services, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who activates all of them in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good." - 1 Corinthians 12:4-7