grace

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about Jeffrey.

But I am moving forward, in my way; praying, working, ringing, singing, talking and getting together with friends and family, making plans, meeting new people, learning new things, reflecting, crying, praying some more.

Sometimes I think that where I fall short in loving and accepting myself, I try to make up for in loving and accepting the person I've fallen in love with. And not only do I become very attached to them, but I lose my footing, taking on their problems, assuming I must be the one who needs to be different than I am, that the person I am isn't good enough as she is, that I have to change in order to be worthy of love.

Jeffrey asked if we were doomed to always trigger one another, and I guess in this way we were, because Jeffrey does not love or accept himself. And when he couldn't accept me and the love that I have to offer, I got lost, thinking something was unacceptable about me and trying to change into something that would be acceptable. Really, he was projecting his inability to accept himself, and I doubted myself instead of recognizing what was happening. I accepted and loved him so deeply and wanted to be accepted and loved in return, and my self-doubt made me think I needed to change in order for him to fully accept me.

What makes me most sad in thinking about our relationship is wondering what it would have been like if he loved himself and I doubted myself less and loved myself more. My gut, my soul, the fiber of my being says that it would have been truly amazing, a great light in our lives and in the world.

We came together under different circumstances, though; saw glimpses of that light but could not embrace it. But we both saw and felt it, and maybe that is the gift we were always meant to receive from crossing each others' path - to know that there is grace and love in the world, grace we cannot earn but that God grants us in the midst of our imperfect love out of God's perfect love.

It is my anger at how he hurt me with his self-loathing and my guilt for however I hurt him with my self-doubt that cause my heart to suffer. And both the anger and the guilt stem from my stubborn clinging to a false expectation of why God brought us together. So I pray for healing for both of us; for freedom from the prisons we have constructed for ourselves; for hearts that are open to receiving grace and to sharing God's love.